OK, so Nicaragua is not really known as a hot-bed for amazing tacos but c’mon “El Quijote” (if that’s your real name) if you put it on the menu amigo, you need to at least TRY. I mean, these tacos sucked so bad that if Mexico ever found out about this, there would be some serious declarations of war or something crazy – the frickin’ Taco Lords would make it a point to roll a few heads across the floor of the Granada Municipal Building, that’s fer sure. Calderon would be like “Hey Ortega, I was reading that sweet “Take Me To Your Liter Blog” and dude, what’s up with the bogus tacos? – I mean, that shit ain’t cool – stick to tostones or Flor de Cana or cigars…..you guys don’t know jack about tacos, so just leave it!” and Ortega would just be like “Whatever Mexi-Cal” (that’s what Ortega calls Calderon as a joke - but Calderon doesn’t know it’s a joke – he figures it’s a like some gangsta name and thinks it’s cool). Anyway, Ortega will have none of that sort of taco (national) embarrassment and would naturally have the taco cook “disappear” into the jungle as part some sort of bogus Bobby Flay Taco Throw-Down. Ortega knows that nobody will miss a crappy taco cook right now, as everybody is too busy celebrating the 30th anniversary of the Sandinista Revolution.
To be fair, I never expected to find any decent tacos in Nicaragua – but they had all kinds of Mexican “specialties” on the menu at El Quijote so I figured they must be on to something. Ya, I’m sure they had no clue that a serious taco review was about to go down. Oh ya, and I was drunk. Now that’s even worse because, as you all know, if you’re drunk (or high), EVERTHING tastes good….even Taco Bell…….so to get a bad review by a drunk……well now, that’s just REALLY bad.
The place: a mix of about 10 loud expats and Nicas bitching about all kinds of stupid crap – it was pretty empty except them and us. The service sucked, as expected.
The tacos consisted of the thickest tortillas ever constructed or even imagined in your wildest of taco dreams. Those puppies were like a half inch thick and as dry and as crumbly as that crappy corn bread your mom used to make. The carne was carne of the chewy and fried variety and then there were the limp veggies stupidly laid on top of it all “fajita style” covered in a layer of melted queso, which was actually the best part. No sides except some unbelievably weak pico a spoonful of shit-beans (basically, bean paste).
The review:
Tortillas: 1.5/5.0 Better than air – um, maybe not
Carne: 2.0/5.0 I think they salted it a bit
Atmosphere: 2.0/5.0 Maybe we just hit a bad night
Veggies: 1.0/5.0 Soggy and Suckee
Beer: 3.0/5.0 They had beer – so give to poor bastards some points!!!
Overall 1.9/5.0 Wooo Hooo - Viva Sandinos but these tacos must die!!
To be fair, I never expected to find any decent tacos in Nicaragua – but they had all kinds of Mexican “specialties” on the menu at El Quijote so I figured they must be on to something. Ya, I’m sure they had no clue that a serious taco review was about to go down. Oh ya, and I was drunk. Now that’s even worse because, as you all know, if you’re drunk (or high), EVERTHING tastes good….even Taco Bell…….so to get a bad review by a drunk……well now, that’s just REALLY bad.
The place: a mix of about 10 loud expats and Nicas bitching about all kinds of stupid crap – it was pretty empty except them and us. The service sucked, as expected.
The tacos consisted of the thickest tortillas ever constructed or even imagined in your wildest of taco dreams. Those puppies were like a half inch thick and as dry and as crumbly as that crappy corn bread your mom used to make. The carne was carne of the chewy and fried variety and then there were the limp veggies stupidly laid on top of it all “fajita style” covered in a layer of melted queso, which was actually the best part. No sides except some unbelievably weak pico a spoonful of shit-beans (basically, bean paste).
The review:
Tortillas: 1.5/5.0 Better than air – um, maybe not
Carne: 2.0/5.0 I think they salted it a bit
Atmosphere: 2.0/5.0 Maybe we just hit a bad night
Veggies: 1.0/5.0 Soggy and Suckee
Beer: 3.0/5.0 They had beer – so give to poor bastards some points!!!
Overall 1.9/5.0 Wooo Hooo - Viva Sandinos but these tacos must die!!
