Taco Review #15 – Tequila Vallarta – Bringin’ the Taco Goods to Nicaragua (almost)

After the nightmare tacos that I suffered through two nights prior, we decided to try Tequila Vallarta just down the street from El Quijote. The Lonely Planet guide says the guy that owns this place is actually from PV, Mexico – so it must be pretty good…..right?

So we go in, sit down in the hacienda courtyard and are instantly attacked by mosquitoes, we thought ok, let’s sit inside…..holy crap, there are even more mosquitoes there – so we opted to sit at one of the tables outside (in front) where we knew we would be continually harassed by beggars and street kids selling gum, cigarettes, cashews and whistles – but it was breezy there and no skeeters – so it was ok. We bought some cashews from a little muchacho we knew from previous cashew shopping (harassment), who was a very smooth operator at 6 years old.

Even though we did not sit inside I can comment on the atmosphere of the place……well, there isn’t one. Tequila Vallarta is located in a very cool historic building, however absolutely zero thought was put into making this place inviting so you would want to stay for just “one more margarita” - it was actually pretty depressing. Maybe they are still recovering from the last earthquake….or volcanic eruption…..or political uprising, I don’t know but the place made me think there were no decent tacos comin’ my way.

I gotta give credit to these guys for at least trying (unlike the TR#14). I had three choices of tacos: 1) pollo, 2) carne asada and 3) chorizo…….or THE COMBO! Word – I’m only here once in my life “gimmie the COMBO”. Well, I later found out that when they say “combo” that means they combine all the meats into each taco – not really what I had in mind, but whatever.

The torts were of the “gordita” type and although not typical were still good and resisted tort-bustage until at least two-thirds completion. The “meats” were pretty good but having them all mixed together was a little weird. The side of beans were actually very good (not completely blended to a paste - even though it was only 2 tablespoons’ worth) and the rice was incredibly weak a served up in a stupid conical shape (trying too hard) – not even a pinch of chile and then there some so-so guacamole.

Toppings: cilantro and onions (which I could have done without).

Overall, these were the best tacos I’ve had south of the border, which is not saying much - but at least some thought was put into everything and unfortunately the price reflected it – the entire plate was 100 Cordovas or like 5 bucks US. This is REALLY expensive for Nicaragua but hey, I guess it was worth it. When it comes to Mexican food, Costa Rica is a complete joke – as you will probably see in future reviews.

The Review:

Torts: 3.5/5.0 Not real ones but still good
Carnes: 3.5/5.0 Appeared to be good but all the flavors were mixed up
Sides: 3.0/5.0 Shitty rice but good beans but poor quantities
Atmosphere: 2.0/5.0 Made me want to kill myself or be killed by malaria (which we almost were!)
Price: 3.0/5.0 Expensive for what it was

Total 3.0/5.0 Nice try, but try a little harder

Taco Review #14 - El Quijote, Granada Nicaragua – The Taco Sandino, 30th Anniversary of Shitty Tacos

OK, so Nicaragua is not really known as a hot-bed for amazing tacos but c’mon “El Quijote” (if that’s your real name) if you put it on the menu amigo, you need to at least TRY. I mean, these tacos sucked so bad that if Mexico ever found out about this, there would be some serious declarations of war or something crazy – the frickin’ Taco Lords would make it a point to roll a few heads across the floor of the Granada Municipal Building, that’s fer sure. Calderon would be like “Hey Ortega, I was reading that sweet “Take Me To Your Liter Blog” and dude, what’s up with the bogus tacos? – I mean, that shit ain’t cool – stick to tostones or Flor de Cana or cigars…..you guys don’t know jack about tacos, so just leave it!” and Ortega would just be like “Whatever Mexi-Cal” (that’s what Ortega calls Calderon as a joke - but Calderon doesn’t know it’s a joke – he figures it’s a like some gangsta name and thinks it’s cool). Anyway, Ortega will have none of that sort of taco (national) embarrassment and would naturally have the taco cook “disappear” into the jungle as part some sort of bogus Bobby Flay Taco Throw-Down. Ortega knows that nobody will miss a crappy taco cook right now, as everybody is too busy celebrating the 30th anniversary of the Sandinista Revolution.

To be fair, I never expected to find any decent tacos in Nicaragua – but they had all kinds of Mexican “specialties” on the menu at El Quijote so I figured they must be on to something. Ya, I’m sure they had no clue that a serious taco review was about to go down. Oh ya, and I was drunk. Now that’s even worse because, as you all know, if you’re drunk (or high), EVERTHING tastes good….even Taco Bell…….so to get a bad review by a drunk……well now, that’s just REALLY bad.

The place: a mix of about 10 loud expats and Nicas bitching about all kinds of stupid crap – it was pretty empty except them and us. The service sucked, as expected.

The tacos consisted of the thickest tortillas ever constructed or even imagined in your wildest of taco dreams. Those puppies were like a half inch thick and as dry and as crumbly as that crappy corn bread your mom used to make. The carne was carne of the chewy and fried variety and then there were the limp veggies stupidly laid on top of it all “fajita style” covered in a layer of melted queso, which was actually the best part. No sides except some unbelievably weak pico a spoonful of shit-beans (basically, bean paste).

The review:

Tortillas: 1.5/5.0 Better than air – um, maybe not
Carne: 2.0/5.0 I think they salted it a bit
Atmosphere: 2.0/5.0 Maybe we just hit a bad night
Veggies: 1.0/5.0 Soggy and Suckee
Beer: 3.0/5.0 They had beer – so give to poor bastards some points!!!

Overall 1.9/5.0 Wooo Hooo - Viva Sandinos but these tacos must die!!

Monteverde Dirt - Dos Doses of Dos

OK, so near our place there are two towns about 5 km apart that are both called “Dos”. First of all, that’s a really um, kinda weird name for a town……I mean there are no other towns called “Cinco” or “Ocho” or any other number. One of the towns is actually called “Dos de Tilaran” (Tilaran is the county) and the other is called “Dos de Abangares” (again, Abangares is the county). Anyway, I’d like to know the story behind that whole deal - like one town said “Hey, we’re gonna name our town ‘Dos’ and the other said ‘uh, that’s a really sweet name, maybe we’ll name our town Dos as well’ and then the first town was like……”dude, whatever – you guys suck”. So anyway, doing a loop ride through the Dos-es is pretty cool except for one thing – the ride starts with a lot of descending and ends with a ton of climbing. I really hate rides like that and have even been tempted to drive to the low point of the ride and start form there.

From Tornos head northwest to Cabaceras but right at the main store there, hang a left – this will take you to Dos #1 (de Abangares) via a REALLY steep decent. You will know when you are getting close because about ½ km before you get there you can smell coffee being roasted at the “benificio” – could be your brakes though. The benificio is located in the valley next to the Rio Canas in a really awesome setting. You can do a tour of the place, which I’ll bet is pretty cool. This is the low point of the ride – from here you climb though coffee farms and forest for about 5 km to Dos #2 (de Tilaran). Dos #2 is not as cool as Dos #1, but they have a store that seems to really be catering to boozing tourists - I guess because it’s written in English. After getting your 12 pack to “take away” you will climb some more through coffee farms, the small town of Las Brisas and then back to Cabaceras and a steep climb back to Tornos. Not sure of the mileage of this one but probably around 12 to 14 with about 2,000 ft of climbing. Bonus points if you really DID pick up a 12 pack in Dos 2.

So, as you can see I'm finally starting to learn this damn GPS - here is the track and elevation profile.

July Random 10

Huon – Uplifting
Tito Puente – Oye me Guaguanco
Mary Lou Lord – Eternal Circle
Nino Bravo – Libre
Hasil Adkins – Up on Mars
This Mortal Coil – Sound of the Siren
The Jesus Lizard – Panic in Cicero
Archie Sturgill – Queen Sally
Mearle Haggard – I Wonder if They Ever Think of
Beastie Boys – Hey Ladies

Taco Review #13 - Taqueria del Palmar - Almost Like Smokin' Crack

Taqueria del Palmar – El Cerrito, California

Oh Man, this one almost slipped through the cracks of my computer.

So driving through the East Bay there are like a kajillion taco stands. In Berkley, you get the more yuppie versions like “TNT Taco” and “The California Taco Factory” – or some gay shit like that. But as you head north towards Oakland and you get into more sketch-ville you get the real deal. Driving down the main drag I was giving myself whip-lash looking at all the possibilities “there’s one….shit, there’s another, oh wow, that one has piñatas, sweet….that one has a Bohemia sign (thinking of parched throat)…Al Pastor…….. screeeeeetch!” So I settled on Taqueria del Palmar mostly because it looked as if they spent more than an hour decorating the front of their place. There were no spray-painted signs with typos telling passers-by they have “Seefood Tacos” or "Tacos wit Meet"

So there I am, 3:00 in the afternoon, hardly dinner time or lunch time but I was certainly jonesn’ for a couple of tacos and a beer or two. I walk in and there are two fat Mexican Chicas standing there thinking, “who’s THIS douche bag” but of course they are thinking in Spanish so it was probably something like "Quien es ESTA bolsa de douches?"....so I'm like "hola, como estas?" and they were like "uh...bien"

Bonus: They have one of those menus on the wall behind the counter that actually shows a picture of the food. I like that – I know what the hell I’m getting - and if it don’t look like the picture, there’s gonna be hell to pay - ya chicas, you heard me there's gonna be HELL TO PAY. Those of you who know me, know how VIOLENT I CAN GET.......JUST LOOK AT ALL OF THESE CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!

So, in my soft little gringo voice: “Tacos Al Pastor por favor y uno Modelo Especial”......(longish pause)…. and then - cha-ching! ya baby, I’m in - order confirmed. Now, if I would have ordered in English and ordered a Corona, I’m certain there would have been some loogee sauce on my tacos.

Within 30 seconds there was a Modelo, lime, chips (real ones) and two salsas on my table. The Tacos were the real deal. No messin’ around with the carne - spices and slight crispiness around the edges - aye chinga. Double steamed tort……check. Jalepeno on the plate without asking for one…..double check. Chopped onions……..oh, shit, I forgot to tell them to hold the onions - oh well.

So Ya, those little bastards (the tacos) were GOOD…….and what the hell was I thinking by only ordering 2 tacos…..was I high? Well, if I WAS high I probably would have ordered like 20 tacos…..and a Nachos Bell Grande®. I only ordered two, so that proves I WASN'T high.

Since it’s actually been a few months since those little delicious tacos were in my belly and my memory is pretty weak – I’m not going into the full-blown review, but am gonna go by my gut and say these tacos were about a 4.65/5.0……probably one of the highest scores I’ve given. Tacos like that are like crack - you always get the shakes when you think about eatin' em. Hmmmm, wait a MINUTE! - I'm eating tacos in Oakland California (crack capital of the west coast) and these tacos are givin' me the shakes......shit, I'm hooked!

Viva Tacos Palmar!

Taco Review #13 - You're on Crack if you don't like these tacos

Taqueria del Palmar – El Cerrito California

So driving through the East Bay there are like a kajillion taco stands. In Berkley, you get the more yuppie versions like “TNT Taco” and “The California Taco Factory” – or some gay shit like that. But as you head north towards Oakland and you get into more sketch-ville you get the real deal. Driving down the main drag I was giving myself whip-lash looking at all the possibilities “there’s one….shit, there’s another, oh wow, that one has piñatas, sweet….that one has a Bohemia sign (thinking of parched throat)…Al Pastor…….. screeeeeetch!” So I settled on Taqueria del Palmar mostly because it looked as if they spent more than an hour decorating the front of their place. There were no spray-painted signs with typos telling passers-by they have “Seefood Tacos”.

So there I am, 3:00 in the afternoon, hardly dinner time or lunch time but I was certainly jonesn’ for a couple of tacos and a beer or two. I walk in and there are two fat Mexican Chicas ……thinking “who’s THIS douche bag” ………..They have one of those menus on the wall behind the counter that actually shows a picture of the food. I like that – I know what the hell I’m getting - and if it don’t look like the picture, there’s gonna be hell to pay.

“Tacos Al Pastor por favor y uno Modelo Especial”….cha-ching! ya baby, I’m in. Now, if I would have ordered in English and ordered a Corona, I’m certain there would have been some loogee sauce on my tacos.

Within 30 seconds there was a Modelo, lime, chips (real ones) and two salsas. The Tacos were the real deal. No messin’ around with the spices and slight crispiness around the edges. Double steamed tort……check. Jalepeno on the plate without asking for one…..check. Chopped onions……..oh, shit, I forgot to tell them to hold the onions. Those little bastards were GOOD…….and what the hell was I thinking by only ordering 2 tacos…..was I high? Well if I WAS high I probably would have ordered like 20 tacos…..and a Nachos Bell Grande®.

Since it’s actually been a couple of months since those little delicious taco were in my belly and my memory is pretty weak – I’m gonna go by my gut and say these tacos were about a 4.65/5.0……probably one of the highest scores I’ve given. Tacos like that are like crack - you always get the shakes when you think about eatin' em. Bonus points too for Palmar's proximity to Oakland......if you need to score some REAL crack. Viva Tacos Palmar!